Strange Tale: One Yuan USB Insertion Fee
I’ve been teaching in Nanyang, Henan for a few days. There’s an exam tomorrow, so I needed to print exam papers. Today I found a print shop downstairs and went to print.
This print shop’s prices are something else: printing 16K size, 1 yuan/sheet, copying 0.6 yuan/sheet, sending a fax 6 yuan/page. Seeing these prices, I suddenly felt that Shanghai’s cost of living isn’t that high after all. It’s about 1/8 of Nanyang’s prices. I couldn’t help feeling fortunate. But I have no choice, the exam is tomorrow, so I’ll just take the hit.
70 exam papers, two pages each. I handed over a 100 yuan bill. When I got change, it was only 15 yuan. Although I’m not great at math, this is easy: 100 – 70 × 2 × 0.6 = 16. One yuan isn’t a big deal, but I had to point out the math error. The clerk pulled out a calculator and recalculated. In Mandarin I could barely understand, she said “that’s correct.” Listening to her Mandarin, I suddenly wondered if she was a Chinese-American who never memorized multiplication tables and needed a calculator for basic arithmetic. I calculated again — still should be 16 yuan change. I asked for an itemized explanation. After struggling through the communication barrier, I finally understood: because my files were copied from a USB drive to their computer for printing, they charge an extra one yuan “USB insertion fee.”
Heavens! Earth! I really wasn’t willing to pay that yuan! But thinking it over, maybe there is some logic to it. As everyone knows, print shop computers are basically virus specimen libraries — you can find every kind of virus there. By plugging in your USB drive, you’re taking a risk. Plus, the insertion and removal action wears out the USB port. What if you’re using a knockoff USB drive with unstable voltage that could damage the USB port? I quickly asked: what if I upload it online and you download it from the web? Could you waive the one yuan? The clerk slowly replied that downloading from the internet for printing would incur an extra “network communication fee” of 2 yuan. Holy crap! Good thing I was diligent enough to bring my USB drive and save one yuan — otherwise I’d have two fewer skewers of cabbage at the spicy hot pot stand.
Unwilling but defeated, I paid. As I was leaving, the clerk said in her Henan-accented Mandarin, “Actually, our shop is the designated printer for XX Institute, we mostly do billing, we don’t normally serve the public.” Suddenly it all clicked. This is a print shop with Chinese characteristics. The owner is probably some relative of a leader at XX Institute of Technology, or perhaps the leader themselves. The leader probably issued an official document: “To standardize printing management at our institute, save paper, and create an eco-friendly campus, from now on all printing must be done at XX print shop, violators will be xxx (stamp!).” Naturally, this print shop can charge whatever it wants. Since everyone printing here is on public funds, they don’t care about a yuan or two. Thinking about it, the owner is actually quite reasonable. If I had such conditions, my print shop would charge like this:
Party Grace Print Shop Standard Service Fee Schedule for USB Printing:
- USB insertion fee (1 yuan)
- USB recognition and driver installation fee (5 yuan)
- Windows drive letter occupancy fee, 5 yuan; additional drive letter, 3 yuan each
- Mouse sliding wear fee (0.01 yuan/pixel), from USB insertion to safe removal
- Mouse click wear fee (left/right single click 1 yuan/click, double click at 1.5 clicks, save 50%!)
- Non-Windows-default file formats (txt, rtf, bmp, etc.) incur a strange document fee (Office docs 5 yuan, PDF 10 yuan, WPS 10 yuan, OpenOffice, Evermore Office, LaTeX 100 yuan!)
- Compressed formats incur an extra decompression fee (zip 3 yuan, rar 10 yuan, 7z/tar.gz 100 yuan!)
- USB safe removal fee 1 yuan; if removal fails, each retry adds 1 yuan; if force-ejected after 5 failed retries, forceful removal fee 50 yuan.
Receipts provided for reimbursement. Spend 100 get 100 bonus. New and old customers welcome.